Life Directed by Values

I went to my local motorbike workshop to complain that when I took my hands off the handlebar of my motorbike it starts to wobble. After questioning me about when this happened, Juan my mechanic replied “well don’t take your hands off the handlebar”. At the time his comments were about as welcome as a bacon sandwich at a Jewish wedding, and I went away feeling embarrassed and angry by his comments.

 As the red mist cleared (those of you who have anger management problems like me will know what I mean) It dawned on me that he is probably right. When I have my hands firmly placed on the handlebars, there is no wobble. Why would I want to dedicate time and energy and not least of all money, to something that is not of value in my life? I decided that riding my motorbike without my hand on the handlebar is just not really important to me. In fact in the scale of values that guide my life, riding my motorbike with no hands comes pretty low down on the list. So I don’t need to do anything, apart from not take my hands off the handlebars.

This is similar to doing exposure in therapy to overcome phobias and fears, either social or physical fears. If there is no real need to overcome a fear or a motivation to do so, then we must ask if it is entirely necessary to go through the effort of exposure. Exposure to anxiety and fear is pretty unpleasant and if it is not accompanied by a high motivation it can be destined to failure.

                                                                                                                

This is where goals come in very useful. I have a friend who recently asked about fear of flying and if I knew of any English speaking hypnotherapists who could help him with his fear. As a behaviourist I always encourage people to feel the fear and continue with what you need to do. In this case fear and anxiety is perfectly rational and I feel there would be something wrong with you if you were at 30,000 feet and didn’t feel the slightest bit anxious, well that or you’d be dead. So I personally would encourage against trying to change or avoid fear or anxiety, at the end of the day that’s what alcohol is there for.

 What value driven action is he depriving himself of? It turns out that the next journey is to France to participate in a music publishing festival in Cannes. It is a job that he enjoys; the business trip will be a great experience. Basically this journey forms part of his values in the work aspect of his life. That is it is coherent with how he sees himself, how he wishes others to see him and also coherent with what he wants to stand for as a person.

With our values guiding our behaviour, we can decide whether we wish to put up with some emotional discomfort if it will enable us to live a full and meaningful life that is coherent with our values. We can choose to make room for emotional discomfort knowing that we are doing what is important to us. Or we can continue to avoid unpleasant experiences such as anxiety and fear and stay in our comfort zone, but also run the risk of leading an unfulfilled life. In the words of Susan Jeffers, we can feel the fear and do it anyway. Why? Because it’s important to us.